Finding Your Way Back to Each Other: A Gentle Look at Couples Therapy

When most couples start out, therapy isn’t something that even crosses their minds. You fall in love, you share inside jokes, you picture building a life side by side. But somewhere along the way, life happens. Work schedules get heavy, kids need attention, stress piles up, and you might notice that the easy flow you once had with each other feels harder to reach.

If you’ve been feeling that way, you’re not alone. It doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It usually just means you’ve gotten caught in patterns that aren’t serving you anymore. One of the things I love about couples therapy is that it offers a space to slow things down and really see those patterns together, without blame.

What I See in Couples Therapy

People often come in thinking therapy is about figuring out who’s “right” and who’s “wrong.” It’s not. In my office, I’m not keeping score. Instead, I’m helping you both feel heard and understood.

What I notice is that many of the same arguments tend to surface over and over, about money, parenting, intimacy, chores, but the real pain underneath those arguments is often about something deeper. Maybe it’s wanting to feel valued. Maybe it’s needing to know you’re loved and safe, even when things are messy. Those tender feelings are often hiding under frustration or withdrawal.

In therapy, we take the time to unpack that. We slow down enough to notice what’s happening between you in those moments. We practice sharing the deeper feelings underneath, the ones that help you move closer instead of getting stuck in the same loop.

Why It Feels So Hard to Change

Almost every couple I work with has some version of the same pattern: one person feels alone or unseen and reaches out, sometimes by getting louder or more insistent. The other feels overwhelmed or like they can’t get it right, and they shut down or pull back. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats. And then it just keeps going.

These patterns aren’t anyone’s fault. They’re often shaped by old ways of protecting ourselves, sometimes going all the way back to childhood. When we can name the pattern together, it stops being you versus me and starts being us versus the cycle.

What Can Shift Over Time

With time and effort, couples therapy can help you:

• Feel safer opening up about what you really need.

• Learn how to listen without immediately defending yourself.

• Catch yourselves in those old patterns and find a way out.

• Build new ways of responding that actually bring you closer.

It’s not about becoming a perfect couple. There’s no such thing. It’s about finding your way back to feeling like you’re on the same team again.

A Small Step to Try This Week

You don’t have to wait until you’re sitting in a therapy room to start making small changes. Here’s something you can try together this week:

Set aside 10 quiet minutes.

• No phones, no TV. Just the two of you.

• Take turns sharing one thing you’ve appreciated about the other lately. It could be something small, maybe they made you tea, or they handled bedtime with the kids.

• Then, each of you shares one feeling you’ve been carrying recently, without blame. For example: “I’ve been feeling really stressed at work,” or “I’ve been feeling a bit lonely in the evenings.”

• 
  

You’re not trying to fix anything in that moment. You’re simply letting each other in a little more, and sometimes that alone can be enough to remind you why you’re in this together.